Why I needed to have my heart broken
Breakup-syndrome is spreading. It seems like every time I catch up with someone or log on to Facebook, another dating relationship has ended. When I told a friend this, she wisely explained, "It always happens! People start dating in the spring and break up in the fall." It's like the plague.
Unfortunately, it got me, too.
Jesus, would you do whatever would make me most dependent on you?
A few weeks ago, I was desperate. I had been crying in the shower (my favorite place to cry) every day that week, which led up to this moment of kneeling, terrifying submission on my bedroom floor. Up to this point, I had gotten to the "Jesus, would you do whatever would...," only to shrink back in fear of relinquishing control. I was afraid that His plan for this season of my life wouldn't be what I wanted. I thought I knew what would make me happy. I was delusional in thinking that what my miniscule mind could dream up would be able to rival that of the Lord's.
Forgive me, my Jesus.
In this moment, I knew that the thing that would lead me the furthest into His arms would be singleness. But I didn't want to find a new normal. I was comfortable, even though I could tell that there were parts of my relationship that were not glorifying Him. But I still asked why:
Why did you let me like him?
Why did you let us date for so long?
Why did you make my heart so open and trusting?
Why did you let us start dating in the first place if it was just going to end?
Why don't you just take the pain away, already?
But now I know why.
The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. 18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
19 The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all; 20 he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken.
I've been going back to Psalm 34 over and over again. I believe that God has made me righteous, and if this is true, and the Bible is true, He promises to hear me, deliver me, be close to me, save me, and protect me. The Lord is sovereign, which means he has insuppressible power over the heavens and the earth. Everything that is done, is done by God and for him. I know that if I feel joy, it is to bring me to my knees in worship. If I feel anguish, it is to bring me to my knees in worship.
During the past few weeks, I have experienced all of God's promises in Psalm 34 coming true. In my heartbreak, I had no choice but to start every day with, Jesus, I need you and end every day with, Jesus, thank you, I could not have done this without you. If it were my choice, my relationship would not have ended--but I needed it to. Now, in learning a new normal and being forced into deeper dependence, I can see clearly. I have spent hours upon hours with Him--resting, listening, talking, singing, and (dare I say it) screaming. He doesn't get mad at me, or fed up with me, or tired of my tears. Instead, he weeps with me and whispers, "You won't be sad forever, my daughter."