Inhibiting Inhibitions

I am currently sitting in my bed drinking tea from Teavana that I splurged on today. I accidentally walked too close to the storefront in the mall and the employee tricked me into sampling a really yummy Chai/Rooibos mix. And then suddenly I was spending 23 dollars on tea.

I'm rationalizing it by putting my cute, new Kittea infusor (get it?).

Anyways, you may or may not have noticed that I started a blog two months ago, wrote two consecutive posts, and proceeded to ignore it in a combination of not being able to look at a screen after my monster of a writing minor final project and the fear that I didn't have anything interesting that people would want to read. Also, I'm sorry for the run-on sentences but my brain is feeling a little rant-y.

So, why the post now?

Two nights ago at one in the morning, I woke up and wrote this down:

Where do I fit she asked him through tears

I get squished out here and poked too hard there

What if I never find a box my size

she begged at him with exhausted eyes

Lord I feel so inhibited

With me you are unlimited

Lately, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about words. I have a passion for them. I'm taking first semester Latin this semester because I want to know how they work (and because going to the Vatican for Mass and being able to understand what the Pope is saying is on my bucket list). People always ask me what my favorite word is, and I'm not sure. But I do have a new least favorite word:

Inhibition: (noun) a nervous feeling that prevents you from expressing your thoughts, emotions, or desires

Inhibited: (verb) to keep (someone) from doing what he or she wants to do

Another way to think about this is to picture a box. Imagine someone putting you in a box you currently fit in, with all of your ideas and desires. But as you get bigger and your ideas/desires grow and develop, the box stays the same size. As you learn who you are and what you want, the box is saying, "No, you have to stay small. You are not allowed to be that way."

I haven't exactly figured out why this is, but I feel this way a lot. I find myself walking on eggshells around people because I don't want to be bothersome. I am inhibited by the fear of taking up space. And this inhibition has caused strains in many of my relationships when I've chosen to make myself small in an attempt to not make others feel sad or mad because of me.

Thankfully, Jesus has given me some incredible friends who have shown me how good it is to be fully alive, without inhibiting myself. During a conversation with one such friend in a coffeeshop last week, I apologized for crying while telling her about something that had happened a couple of days before. She responded by saying, "[Your friends] love happy Sophia and sad Sophia."

I don't allow my friends to see my sadness very often, but hearing her say these words were exactly what I needed. I know that Jesus loves happy Sophia and sad Sophia, but hearing it from a sister made me feel less lonely. I felt that she was with me, and I believed that she loved me just as much in my despair as she does in my joy.

I believe that I am unlimited in Christ. That his sacrifice tore through the inhibiting box I was living in before I knew him.

Here's to learning to live like it.